Tales of the InuHamlet
by sirbartonslady
Summary: The anime cast must continue to promote their show by doing a play to bring awareness to a greater audience. They are not amused at the roles they've been cast into. See my profile for news and progress on this story.
1. Prologue: Dramatis Personae

**  
****Disclaimer**: Inuyasha and company don't belong to me (they belong to Rumiko Takahashi). Neither do any characters from "Hamlet" nor does any of the script. (Those belong to the immortal William Shakespeare). However, I am taking ruthless creative and artistic license of both for the sake of entertainment. Gomen nasai, Bard-sama! This was just begging to be done!

**Author's Forward**: This idea came about as result of a late-night WinMX chat that included an inebriated **DarklessVasion** and a sleep-deprived **sirbartonslady** (that would be me XD). I commented on how I was tempted to do a parody of "Hamlet" using Inuyasha characters. "Hamlet" is my favorite Shakespearean play of all time, and I remembered reading a parody of it done with characters from another TV show once before, about seven or eight years ago. True to form, Darkless immediately grabbed the idea and ran with it, suggesting we collaborate on it. Seeing as I'd never written a collaborated story before, I was thrilled with the idea.

So, after re-reading the play and thinking over the possibilities, I broached the subject to her a few days later, and we brainstormed the story. She came up with the one-liners and the funny stuff and I (tried to) put it into a semi-coherent semblance of order... insomuch as I can. We worked out the cast-list and discussed who should play who, and Darkless spouted off a whole cartload of funny one-liners that I'm going to sprinkle into the story over time. Therefore, many of the ideas are hers fundamentally, and have been massaged into proper working order by yours truly. I hope everyone enjoys the story, because I have really, really enjoyed the creation process, imagining the characters' interactions. This has been a laugh-riot just to brainstorm. I hope that Darkless and I have done it justice.

Please leave a review if you read this! Even a simple "OMG I loved it!" will help encourage me to write. Knowing I have an audience waiting helps keep me focused. And if you have any ideas or suggestions, by all means let me know! This story is still very much in the developing stages and I really hope that I can do the story and its inspirations the proper justice they deserve.

Okay? Now, on with the show!

NOTE: This is written in present tense -- a format I almost never use -- because it's meant to portray things as they happen, rather like outtakes from a filming session or what-have-you.

* * *

**Tales of the Inu-Hamlet:  
Inuyasha, Prince of the Denmark!**_**  
or, What the Hell Are You Making Us Do?**_

**Prologue: Dramatis Personae**

They are not amused.

Not in the slightest.

...okay, so one member of the cast is pleased with the casting:

"Oh this is so romantic!" Kagome hugs her script book to her chest, sighing blissfully. "She dies for want of unrequited love!"

"Gimme a fucking break," Kouga spits, "she goes bloody crazy because her father is killed. Don't skew it all out of proportion."

...but the rest aren't amused at all. Most are either in shock, or downright hostile. Inuyasha still fumes at the unforeseen dilemma the fineprint of his contract has put him in. At any moment he is likely to shred something with his claws. If the producers are lucky, it'll be his script book he shreds and not one of them. Extra copies of the script have been printed in prediction of such violence on Inuyasha's part.

It's all very simple, really. The bakas must not have read their contracts. The head producer shakes his head in resignation. It's right there in their contracts. Tiny print, but it's there. Since the anime itself is on indefinite hiatus while Takahashi-sensei completes the manga, the characters themselves are contract-bound to make sure that they keep public interest in the show. They have to support the arts, to bring the show to a wider cultural audience, and what better way than with a play? After all, the show is a big hit across the ocean in the English-speaking countries. Why not the so-called "greatest drama of all time"?

And it isn't like it's a permanent gig, either. The bakas are making entirely too much out of it, honestly.

The head director sits back in his chair and looks around the table, taking in the sights of the cast members realizing their roles.

"You want me to WHAT!" Kagura's red eyes grow huge as she stares at the book in her hands. "Oh HELL no! Where the hell is my agent?"

"I think he quit," Hakudoushi snickers. "Serves you right, Kagura."

"Why you little..."

Just to Kagura's left, Naraku reads over his script quietly, his eyes glinting with malice. "I am not amused. Since when do I deserve to be cast as a repentant pansy-assed old man?"

The assistant nearest him sweatdrops and declines to reply. A wise decision, most likely.

"Are you sure it's okay to cast me? I haven't even shown up in the anime yet, you know." Byakuya cocks an eyebrow in inquiry as he looks pointedly at the director. "People might get the wrong idea."

"Oh for heaven's sake, you're just the prologue! Stop trying to weasle out of it!" Kagura says dramatically. "Unless you want my part?"

"No, thanks, I'll take what I'm given. I just don't understand why I'm under contract as well -- I haven't even been cast in the show yet."

And nearby...

"This is a joke, right?" Kikyou says with a remarkably calm voice. Her icy brown eyes shimmer with frigid disgust. "You want me to play a man?"

And at the head of the table...

"What the FUCKING HELL!" Inuyasha roars in outrage, his claws digging tears into the paper script book in his hands. "I have to do WHAT!"

"Calm down, Inuyasha, it's not the end of the world." The purple-clad monk raises his gloved hand and wags a finger reprovingly at the hanyou. "It's not even permanent."

"Shut your cakehole, bouzu!" Inuyasha growls in the back of his throat. "You're not the one who has to call _that bastard _father or _that bitch_ mother!"

"Technically, you don't call him father at all," Miroku points out logically. "And you get to kill him. Him and Kouga. Which is more than we can say for the regular show. So cheer up."

"Eek!" Sango shrieks as an errant hand groped her rear. "_Houshi-sama_!" _SLAP!_

"I'm telling you, Sango, the hand has a mind of its own!"

Meanwhile, at the other end of the table...

Sesshoumaru sets down his script book unceremoniously and looks over at his agent. "And you are certain there is no way around this?"

The agent goes stark white. "N-none, Sesshoumaru-sama. It's right there in the contract. You signed the contract yourself. You can't get out of it unless you break contract alltogether."

"Very well, then. This Sesshoumaru is intrigued by the part selected, anyway."

"Of course he would be," Kagome mutters from nearby the head producer. "You'd think Shakespeare wrote the character of Fortinbras with Sesshoumaru in mind."

And on Sesshoumaru's left...

"I don't know how to dig a grave," Rin frets. "What if I do it wrong?"

"You don't have to actually dig," Shippou replies confidently.

"Then why am I a gravedigger?"

"Stupid girl, can't you even read?" Jaken snorts. "It calls you a clown."

"No, Jaken-sama, I can't read yet."

"That's no excuse!"

Back at the head of the table...

"There is NO FUCKING WAY!" Inuyasha slashes his claws through his script book and reduces it to confetti in a matter of seconds. "No fucking way in hell! I draw the line at this! Goddamn fanfic authors, thinking they can just write a crossover of the show with anything they want! This is ri-goddamn-diculous!"

And somewhere near the doorway...

"Why did Inu-koro get cast as Hamlet anyway?" Kouga whines.

"Because he's the title character, and Sesshoumaru-sama is too good to be cast as something so pathetic as Hamlet." Jaken smacks Kouga over the head with his staff. "Now show some respect for your father and go get me something to drink."

"Ain't no fucking way I'm gonna call you father, you pathetic little bastard," Kouga snarls, curling his lips in lupine hostility. "I'll beat you to a pulp, so help me I will!"

Elsewhere, in the other room, near the water-cooler, further hilarity ensues.

"Yikes!" Ginta yelps.

"Help!" Hakkaku shrieks.

"Get back here, filthy youkai, and face your doom with honor!" Jii-chan hollers, chasing after the two hapless flunkies, a wad of ofuda sticking out from his clenched hands.

"Here, Ginta! Let's split up!" Hakkaku suggests on the fly. "You go that way, I'll go this way!"

"Gotcha!" Ginta dodges to the left.

-- and glares at Hakkaku when the spiky-haired baka follows him "You were supposed to go the other direction!"

"I forgot!"

Meanwhile, back in the boardroom, Inuyasha has had his fill.

"Oi! You!" The hanyou rounds on his agent, who is cowered in fear. "Find me a loophole! Get me out of this fucking mess!"

"I--I c-can't Inuyasha-sama. I-it's right th-there in y-your c-c-contract!" the agent stammers as the hanyou towers over the pathetic little man. "Y-you c-can't g-get out of it w-without b-breaking your c-c-c-contract!"

And meanwhile, back by the doorway, Kouga finally figures something out...

"Wait a goddamn minute! She's supposed to be my _sister_!"

Seated beside the head director, Kagome rolls her eyes. "Bakas," she sighs. "This is going to be a long project."

To Be Continued... on to Act One!

* * *

For future reference... 

**Dramatis Personae (Persons of the Play)  
**Prince **Hamlet** (son to the former, and nephew to the present king) is played by Inuyasha**  
**King **Claudius** (current King of Denmark, brother of the late King Hamlet) is played by Naraku  
Queen **Gertrude** (Queen of Denmark, mother to Prince Hamlet) is played by Kagura**  
Ghost** of Hamlet's Father is played by Myouga  
**Polonius** (Lord Chamberlain) is played by Jaken  
**Laertes** (son to Polonius) is played by Kouga**  
Ophelia** (daughter to Polonius)is played by Kagome**  
Reynaldo** (servant to Polonius)is played by Kaede**  
Horatio** (friend to Hamlet)is played by Sango**  
Marcellus** (an officer)is played by Miroku**  
Bernardo** (an officer) is played by Kikyou  
**Francisco**, (a soldier) is played by Jii-chan (Grandpa Higurashi)  
**Rosencrantz** (a courtier) is played by Ginta  
**Guildenstern**, (a courtier) is played by Hakkaku  
**Fortinbras** (Prince of Norway) is played by Sesshoumaru  
**Osric** (a courtier) is played by Kohaku  
**Voltemand** (a courtier) is played by Hiten  
**Cornelius** (a courtier) is played by Manten  
Two **Clowns** (gravediggers) are played by Shippou and Rin  
**Player King** (actor playing the king in a play) is played by Houjou  
**Player Queen** (actor playing the queen in a play) is played by Ayame  
**Player Lucianus** (actor in a play) is played by Hakudoushi  
**Player Prologue** (actor in a play) is played by Byakuya  
**Player** (actor of a play group) is played by Musou  
Norwegian **Captain** is played by Bankotsu  
various bit parts will be played by Jakotsu, Renkotsu, Suikotsu, Mushin and anyone else I can think of

**FINAL NOTE**: A quick note as to why Inutaishou isn't the Ghost of Hamlet's Father -- because _he never appears in the anime_, only briefly in movie 3.


	2. Act One, Scene One

**  
****Disclaimer**: "Inuyasha" (all characters inclusive) doesn't belong to me (they belong to Rumiko Takahashi). "Hamlet" (all characters and script inclusive) doesn't either (that belongs to the immortal William Shakespeare). However, I am taking ruthless creative and artistic license of both for the sake of entertainment. Gomen nasai, Bard-sama! This was just begging to be done!

**Author's Forward**: The story is divided up based on the scenes in the play. Some chapters will be shorter than others because the scenes are short, and some will be even shorter than they really might seem like they should, because the scene is so straightforward that there isn't much room for messing around.

If you are interested in this play, there are many, many websites out there hosting the full text of the script; I also highly recommend that you watch the theatrical version done in 1996 by Kenneth Branaugh. It covers the entire play, cutting out a bare minimum of lines (this is a _very_ long play; about four hours all told). The theatrical version starring Mel Gibson (done in 1990, or thereabouts) is also good, but much shorter (it cuts Fortinbras entirely out of the story, which is a shame in my book). You can find out lots of information by visiting the Internet Movie Database at **imdb(dot)com** and searching for "Hamlet." Both movies appear at the top of the search results.

Please leave a review if you read this! Even a simple "OMG I loved it!" will help encourage me to write. Knowing I have an audience waiting helps keep me focused. And if you have any ideas or suggestions, by all means let me know! This story is still very much in the developing stages and I really hope that I can do the story and its inspirations the proper justice they deserve.

Okay? Now, on with the show!

NOTE: This is written in present tense -- a format I almost never use -- because it's meant to portray things as they happen, rather like outtakes from a filming session or what-have-you.

* * *

**Tales of the Inu-Hamlet:  
Inuyasha, Prince of the Denmark!_  
or, What the Hell Are You Making Us Do?_  
Act One, Scene One**

_Setting: Elsinore. A platform before the Castle  
Characters: Francisco, Bernardo, Marcellus, Horatio, Ghost_

Things are not going well.

It is the first day of rehearsal, and already there are unforeseen problems... problems that should have been foreseen and taken care of. The directors and producers are all currently cloistered away in a boardroom, frantically trying to iron out this latest twist.

"Who's brilliant idea was it anyway?" the head producer rages. "The Inutaishou is a _movie character_, not a TV character! We have no pull over the movie casts!"

"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time," the casting director's assistant mutters. "I didn't know he wasn't under contract anymore."

The dilemma is quite astounding, really... the part in question is a small one but extremely important.

They haven't bothered to secure a contracted person to play the Ghost of Hamlet's Father.

Some idiot thought that they could get Inutaishou, whose only appearance has been in the third movie, to play the character. The brainiac obviously didn't think clearly enough to realize that a movie character isn't under contract to promote the television series.

"Well, we're going to have to figure out who we can wrangle into the role," the head producer says acidly. "Suggestions?"

"Toutousai?" suggests one assistant. "He hasn't been cast yet, and I'm sure his contract is the same as the others' are."

"Yeah, I mean, we were able to snare four of the Shichinintai on a technicality in their contracts!"

The casting director rolls his eyes. "Toutousai can't remember his own lines on a good day. There's no way he'll be able to pull off the long speeches of the Ghost. We're having enough trouble as it is with the cast we've already assigned. Let's just keep Toutousai as a non-speaking role and leave well enough alone. There have to be others we haven't tapped yet."

"Nikosen," suggests another.

The art director shakes his head; "Too new. We haven't gotten him under contract yet. Same goes for Numawatari."

"Byakuya isn't under contract either," one of the camera directors points out. "We didn't know about him at the time the show went off the air. He hadn't been introduced yet."

The head producer raises an eyebrow. "Actually, he is under contract. It's part of Naraku's contract, but it still binds him. All of the bunshin are bound to the contract just like Naraku is."

"Except Mouryoumaru," the art director mutters. "He'd've made a good Ghost, but he's got a damned good agent. He wriggled out of that little clause."

"And Housenki's contract is done," another assistant says. "So who does that leave us?"

"Can we cast Sesshoumaru in two roles? I mean, Fortinbras and the Ghost are never in the same scene."

"Bad idea," one of the costume directors says. "He's annoyed enough as it is about being forced to do Fortinbras. He seems to be favored by Takahashi-sensei; if he breaks contract now, we can kiss the show goodbye. Then it all becomes pointless."

"Yeah, and since he's not a title character, he's a lot harder to threaten."

"Well, what about Entei?"

Unamused glares focus on the mentally-challenged camera director who has just suggested this.

"What?"

"The Ghost speaks, baka. Entei doesn't speak."

"Besides," one of the promotional directors points out, "his contract is done too."

"If we try to force him into that role, we'll probably end up with the Humane Society, PETA and the SPCA crawling up our collective rectum," the head producer states. "Bad idea."

"We haven't cast Kirara yet."

"And we won't," the producer retorts. "Her contract doesn't have this clause, or did you not read it?"

"Then who's left?"

The casting director looks down at his list in front of him, dismayed at the growing list of names he has had to cross off.

"The only one I can see at this point..." he massages his forehead wearily, realizing how difficult this is going to be to pull off, "...is Myouga."

* * *

Out on the soundstage, the cast of the first scene are warming up. Jii-chan is exchanging spirited conversation with Miroku, while Kikyou resists the costume changes.

"Come on, Kikyou," the costume designer goads, "you can't use a bow and arrow; you're a guard."

"See, these ofuda are superior to yours," Jii-chan exhorts, "because they have five hundred years worth of testing behind them. They'll slay any demon!"

Miroku thinks to himself that ofudas only work if the user has spiritual powers enough to make them work, that five hundred years of testing have nothing to do with it for the ofuda, but chooses to play along with Jii-chan's pipe-dream just to humor him.

Kikyou, on the other hand, is not amused. "You want me to play a man, _and_ you take away my best weapon?"

The costume designer sighs heavily. "Once again, you're just a small part, you won't be here long. You don't have many lines. Now be a good sport, will you?"

Kikyou finally sighs and hands over her bow and arrow, taking the spear offered to her.

"Okay, and ACTION!" the director shouts enthusiastically, trying to get the cast to wake up.

Kikyou cocks an eyebrow at him and rolls the opening line off her tone in a complete deadpan monotone. "Who's there."

"CUT!" The director roars. "Come on, Kikyou! A little more lively!"

Kikyou gives the director a dirty look and says with some more oomph, "Who's there?"

There is a silence. Jii-chan has forgotten already that it is his turn.

Kagome, who is standing behind the curtain, grabs Tetsusaiga from Inuyasha -- sheath and all -- and pokes it through the curtains to prod Jii-chan with the butt of the sword's hilt. "Jii-chan! Stop sleeping!"

"I'm awake!" Jii-chan says indignantly.

"It's your line, Jii-chan!"

"Oh... uh... what _is_ my line?"

"Okay," the director says as he gets up from his chair. "We'll start over. Jii-chan, try to remember your lines! Use your script if you have to, this _is_ just a rehearsal."

"Oi, Jiiji," Inuyasha says testily from behind the curtain as he snatches Tetsusaiga away from Kagome. "You only got eight lines. Try to remember them!"

The director fumes while Miroku offers Jii-chan his script book for a moment, to refresh his memory. Then he and Sango exit the stage and wait for their cue.

Kikyou taps the butt of the spear against the stage as she walks across. Jii-chan comically pauses and looks around suspiciously.

"Who's there?" Kikyou says with little oomph.

"Nay, answer me! Stand and unfold yourself!" Jii-chan bellows, sereptitiously looking at the script book.

Kikyou rolls her eyes and taps the spear one more time against the stage floor. "Long live the king."

"Berndardo?"

Kikyou grinds her teeth as she says her line: "Himself." She hates playing a man, clearly. "'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to bed, Francisco."

Jii-chan grins. "For this relief much thanks. It's bitter cold, and I am sick at heart."

"Have you had quiet guard?"

"Not a mouse stirring."

"Well, good night. If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus, the rivals of my watch, bid them make haste."

"That's our cue, houshi-sama," Sango says to Miroku as they step out onto the stage.

Jii-chan looks genuinely disappointed, thinking he has to hand over the script book already. "I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who is there?"

Sango fires off her line. "Friends to this ground."

Miroku is right on her heels. "And liegemen to the Dane." He holds his hand out for his script book, trying to hide a vindictive smile as Jii-chan squirms.

Jii-chan resists giving the book back. "Give you good night."

"O, farewell, honest soldier!" Miroku says enthusiastically. "Who hath reliev'd you?"

Jii-chan raises an eyebrow at him. "Bernardo...er...what's my line? Lemme see!...Bernardo hath my place. Give you good night."

Miroku takes back his script book and tucks it into his robes as Jii-chan clumps off the stage in defeat. "Holla, Bernardo!"

"Did he just say Holla?" Kagome snickers from behind the curtain. "Next he's gonna give a shout-out to Hachi!"

"Read your script, Kagome, it's in there," Inuyasha snorts. "Not the shout-out whatever, though."

"Nevermind. It's over your head."

Kikyou eyeballs the monk and says "Say... what, is Horatio there?"

Sango is slightly embarrassed, but gallantly says her line. "A piece of him. You don't want to know what piece though."

The director glares at Sango for throwing a line in.

Kikyou smiles at Sango for the unprompted stab at the lines that make them me. "Welcome, Horatio. Welcome, good Marcellus."

Miroku, unable to resist a good double-entendre, says conspiratorially "What, has this thing appear'd again tonight?"

Kikyou sniffs and looks away from him. "I have seen nothing."

Miroku leans in, enjoying the gag. "Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy, and will not let belief take hold of him, touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us. Therefore I have entreated him along, with us to watch the minutes of this night, that, if again this apparition come, he may approve our eyes and speak to it!"

"That's quite a line," Kouga says from where he's also hiding behind the curtain with Kagome and Inuyasha. Inuyasha glares at the wolf but Kagome glares warningly at the hanyou, reminding him that she still has the command of "Osuwari" over him, even though the cameras for the anime aren't rolling.

Sango, meanwhile, is repeating her lines with some embarrassment. "Tush, tush, 'twill not appear." Miroku's zeal is making her uncomfortable. "But let us hear Bernardo speak of this."

Kikyou takes a deep breath and recites her longest line so far... "Last night of all, when yond same star that's westward from the pole, had made his course to illuminate that part of heaven where now it burns, Marcellus and myself, the bell then beating one -- " she pauses dramatically... looking over at the stage entrance where a few stagehands are pushing an empty suit of armor, rigged with wheels, onto the stage. Until a suitable Ghost is found, they are using props for now. Kikyou rolls her eyes even as Miroku starts to wind up.

Miroku says, "Peace! break thee off! Look where it comes again!"

Kikyou maintains a monotone. "In the same figure, like the King that's dead."

Miroku grabs at Sango's sleeve. "Thou art a scholar! Speak to it, Horatio! Looks it not like the King? Mark it, Horatio!"

Sango refrains from rolling her eyes and tries to inject some fear into her voice. "Most like. It harrows me with fear and wonder."

Kikyou looks over at the suit of armor with some disdain... "It would be spoke to."

Miroku is having the time of his life. "Question it, Horatio!"

Sango is trying to be a sport about it, but the houshi is making it hard for her to keep her concentration. "What art thou that usurp'st this time of night, together with that fair and warlike form, in which the Majesty of buried Denmark, did sometimes march? By heaven I charge thee speak!"

"It is offended. See, it stalks away!" Miroku is pulling out all the stops. Even Inuyasha, behind the curtains, is shaking his head.

Sango tries to match him, but is losing interest. "Stay! Speak, speak! I charge thee speak!"

The stagehands quickly roll the suit of armor off the stage... and promptly send it tipping sideways to the ground with a huge CRASH! The suit of armor scatters into all its little pieces. Inuyasha and Kouga roar with laughter and Kagome hangs her head in frustration. Sango and Kikyou sigh with disgust as Miroku takes it all in stride, running to the dismembered suit, decrying its untimely death.

"CUT!" screams the director. "Clean up that mess! All right, you bakas, take five... hours. Go get lost. But don't leave the set!" He turns to the script book in his hands and sighs. "Oh, Kami-sama, this is going to be the death of me!"


End file.
